So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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