it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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