Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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