I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
