a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
