All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
