i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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