I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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