Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
