I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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