I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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