I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
