im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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