my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
