I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
