my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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