i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
