I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
