i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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