i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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