That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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