the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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