I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
