The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
