hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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