he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
