Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Someone signed my nipple.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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