She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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