Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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