We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
