She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I need to stop coming to work sober
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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