PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
