are you so shy because you have an std?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
