Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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