I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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