Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize