So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
