He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
