watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
