Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
