woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
