We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
