u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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