I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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