Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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