Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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