You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize