Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
