i was born a porn star she said
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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