just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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