Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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