She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
