btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
