Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
