how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
