I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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