no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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