she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
