I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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